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i think, i wonder and i live

time have been passing by too quickly.

i have been leading life as it is. it is not meaningless but it is not exciting too.

i am just worried that time will fly too quickly, and before i know, i will be all alone again.

even though life havent been exciting, but there is peace within.

time for a change

my blog name needs a makeover now doesnt it? since herbs and medicine are no longer what i wake up to everyday now.

well theoretically it still is. science is all about medicine too isnt it? finding the ultimate answers in those unsolvable puzzles, then fitting those missing pieces (medicine) in to make the picture full. honestly, after studying science for my whole life, i still have no exact idea what it is about. research is a whole new array of experience which sometimes overwhelms my over tiny brain. at times of extreme exhaustion due to hours of continuous experiments, i dont know what i had stepped into. just like how i dont know what i would be stepping into if i had went china. well,  maybe as more time passes as i trot through my days in the red tower city, i would get a better idea. 2 years later, maybe i can give a better evaluation.

i changed focus, now to pipettes and tips instead of herbs and needles. god knows which is better, but that was my decision, wasnt it? i just got to trust that god is always good to me.

anyway i am back to singapore now, the small sunny island that never fails to keep me warm. 4 and a half months ago, i landed in the land of nihon, battling through the sea of japanese, grasping tight to my backpack as if it was the only float that could keep me afloat. everything was, alienated. the word spurted through the mouth of those japanese, the intimidating glances that they threw on the girl who seemed to own too many baggages. you know, the fear of it all, drowned me within. at that time, i just wanted to switch to reverse gear, and drive back to the comfort zone.

4 and a half months after, i sail through the same crowd of japanese, the same words spoken directed me to my destinations, and the looks from their eyes, i could feel warmth. once again, i held onto my backpack, walked through the gates of the japanese custom, but this time heading home, with a tinge of heaviness in my heart.  i know i would be back again in 5 months’ time, but you know, its just everything that happened. it was my first one man show. and i survived. tears, laughter, joy, misery. everything mixed in the jar of contents. and i know, when i am back again to begin my life in the red tower city, it wouldnt be the same as 4 months ago. all are well seasoned, it just wouldnt be the same again.

the tinge of heaviness, i am no good at trying to explain what it is.

i was an alien who resided in nagasaki. do you remember?

but i think what is important is that, i am home people. call me if you missed me, for i had missed you guys terribly too.

return me my heart.

i think todai stole my heart or brain or whatever you call it.

i have been having dreams filled nights about THE CELL, about biology, about many many. a mixture of things that reflect my fear of the impeding exams.

oh god i need to do this. please let me pass. sorry if i was a little complacent before due to my ignorant about the test topics, but right now i am dead serious. please grant me the placement in todai. love me, god.

if only this is not earth

then maybe i can have more than 24 hours a day.

exhuasted. i wish i can do more in my 24 hours. but my sleep deprived brain is always yelling for its right to rest. BUT no time.

just a bit more and i will be done for the better!

i just realised the result release day is on my birthday! please god let it be my best birthday present i can ever get for myself.

picture of myself

i have no idea but due to the influence of jiejie, i decided to sign up for an account at twitter, and be part of the i-love-updating-the-world-about-myself people.

and this is a picture i put of myself…

the seemingly very cheerful me

how do i look? ok pretend i didnt ask, because i know people like kt will give stupid comments like oh you grew fatter. anyway kt, i miss your stupid comments about me. heh. miss all of you so much, to think i wont be seeing you guys until next chinese new year. sigh…

as the sun set..

the sunset of nagasaki is breath taking. maybe this is part of the reason i like it here. because i am always close to the mountains and the seas, the part of the world city kids like me hardly get to see.

sasebo burger

this burger shop so reminds me of us! and i miss my jiejie. and also last summer.

nobita

this is the new happiness of my current life. but mummy insist that i got to return cos of the “slight” allergy i had from latex gloves. infection, she said. and boo hoo, nobita!!!!!!! oh and now i know, latex eats into me. so no latex! while i type this, nobita is running about his “house” like a crazy baby. he is seriously so insanely cute. ahhhh… i want no cute bfs now, i only wanna nobita.

japanese alien card photo

this is my photo to be put in the alien card. argh, i look weird here. why do all my card photos sux?

anyway this is really a random post. i shall go feed nobita.

am also wondering why

sometimes, for example during the time of the month, when hormones level go insane, i would start procrastinating, wondering why my life is so filled with much ups and downs, asking myself why am i always forcing myself to be trying so hard. right now i just wanna find a cute, probably handsome, or whatever you can name it bf, be in a normal rs that doesnt require my heart to be forcefully emptied every now and then. i just wanna be the ys that can take whatever life got to offer, instead of always trying to reach for the impossibles that seem too far away.

seriously, things i want, just dont come my way easily. things that came too easily, i have no interest in. for instance, tcm. i have repeatedly told myself that maybe one day if i try hard enough, i would eventually fall in love with this ancient culture that is suppose to be running in part of my blood. one day maybe after waking up from a terribly sweet dream that makes me in cloud nine, maybe i would realised tcm is the love of my life because of the good mood. i have been wishing that i could fall in love with tcm, waiting for it to happen for 3 years, it just didnt. 3 years down the road, even though my results were more than enough for me to get pass with examinations, but there is just something that is missing. this element that i cannot seem to explain. a part of it that i am deaf towards. till now, after i have moved away from tcm, sometimes i still wonder if i could ever find that something if i had continued on. but i figured life is probably too short for me to do that.

to be honest, this course was the last  thing in my mind 3 year back. i remember mummy asking me if that piece of paper on the coffee table is a letter of acceptance from NTU, and whether it is important. i told her its not cos i didnt wanna go ntu. i didnt even know what is TCM. didnt even know that the many herbal soups that mummy have been giving me is TCM. so i just didnt set an eye on it. but told me to keep it, just in case, because i would never know what’s gonna happen. and yeh, so life is really unpredictable. the first acceptance letter from university, the trash i was going to crash and dump into the garbage turns out to be something that i was heading into. at first i thought tcm is all about memorising. which it is, but there is definitely this something more than memorising. this something more than passing the examination. i can be a physician, i definitely could have graduate to become one. but what is the point of being a mediocre physician who does like what she is doing? anyway my point is, you will never know what life holds for you, until when the time comes. i sound old. i am not, but today, i am tired, weary.

people can choose to not understand and jump to conclusion to say that i do not have the brains so i decided to quit tcm. but being me, i know even though i am not super smart, but i definitely can slough through this whole thing if i want to. and even pass all exams with flying colors if i put in my 100 percent. but then, what is the point then? coming to this decision is so difficult, trust me, i am not lying. not only did i had to consider how family members would spurt words that might seem too hurtful to my dearest parents, but also i have to face all the i-know-you-cannot-make-it shit. the consideration about the risk involved in chasing after that colorful butterfly also scares the shit out of me too. but  ultimately, i concluded that life is too short, there are some dreams that i just cannot give up trying. risk sometimes needs one to be reckless. and being reckless doesnt mean you are immature. it means putting you closer to where you are. but risk are still risk. and if failures happened, i would have to shoulder it since i choose to be reckless.

and this is what pinky said, “but do i have the courage to just kiss goodbye to all that i have worked so hard for in the last 3 yrs. maybe, sometimes it takes more than courage. perhaps faith and the determination to never look back.” honestly its not easy at all. if i say, i never looked back b4, i am totally lying. sometimes in the middle of the night, i still think about all that i have being looking forward to in beijing. the staying with kt and brandon, the sleeping over with pinky, the getting crazy in hospital. i look back and sometimes i feel sad, but i know, that is not what i want. the bigger picture should be what i am looking at.

red tower, please give me strength.

but today, i still want my cute, handsome bf, and want to do nothing but just graduate with a normal degree and lead my rest of the life with that cute handsome boy.

this cute handsome boy thing, ends today. tmr i will be motivated again.

when you have no idea

its better to keep your jealousy bottled.

do not come around insulting people’s intelligence when you freaking do not know what is going on. i am confident that if i have decided to stay on in that something that i do not like, i would excel too, if i try hard enough. but right now, i wanna to move on to that something that i really yearn. i wanna to fulfill the dream that i always want to, because life is short.

some things are to be let go in order to make dreams come true. i am taking a risk that you would not understand.

you do not have a right to judge. so back off. its my life, you do not have a right to be cynical about it, and comes about telling my mum why i have came to such a decision.

fat ass dont make sense in the things that shot out of their filthy  mouth.

its time to take a look at the mirror, or maybe brush your teeth to get rid of that stench.

i would prove you wrong, that that red tower city belongs to my next 2 years of life. or rather its for myself, realising a theory dump ass like you wouldnt understand.

i hope you do not have a good ending.

period.

we are all growing up

having just did my virgin mouse kill, snatching the dead mummy mouse of her 6 babies, chopping off 2 baby mice’s heads, i feel sick in the stomach.

oh god.

and my cousin is getting married.

we are all growing old, or up, aint we?

recklessness

is perhaps not as dangerous as you think.

sometimes it takes the moment of recklessness to rank up the dormant courage that have been hiding for too long. furthermore i do not think it is a moment of recklessness. it might be slightly reckful, but much thoughts have been given before the decision was made. its not a quick nor fast decision. i have always wanted out, but its just that safety is what always held me back. but it comes a time when you realised safety is not the definition of the correct way of life. i know what i always want, so i need to work towards it, instead of fleeing further away because its a safer route.

maybe during split seconds of some moments, tinge of fear or perhaps you would call it regret, linger by. but i know for sure, its the stress playing with the mind. years down the road, this decision would be something that would make me proud of myself. anyway the uncertainties made all beautiful. despite the stress.

i might be reckless in the opinion of many, but i am just trying to work towards that dream that i wish i could have realised.

recklessness is not as fearsome as it seem to be. i would make it right.

trust me.